Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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