Pass out mid-funnel last night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
