I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
