4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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