we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
