she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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