So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
