two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
