I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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