We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
