the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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