I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
