so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
