please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
