this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
