my vag is so smooth its legendary
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
