i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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