Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
