I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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