True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
