giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pants are for mortals
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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