Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
