I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
