I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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