I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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