walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
