is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
