There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
