I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
