i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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