Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
