SEEEEXXX PLEASE
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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