According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
