I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
