all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
