The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just tell him i said nine months
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
