I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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