I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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