Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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