my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
