If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
