Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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