just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
