did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
