But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
