it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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