I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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