you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
