It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
