i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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