even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dicks are not precious.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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