we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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