He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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