dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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