She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
tonight lets celebrate not being married
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
