I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
