There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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