i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
